did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize