I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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