If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
