so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
