I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
