I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
