Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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