Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize