you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
