Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
