Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
