Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Couch. On fire.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
