Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You took a bar mat shot.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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