The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
