My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
How does one acquire holy water?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
