Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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