Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize