I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
