The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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