i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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