70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
