I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize