watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Randomize
