dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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