If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
