I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
the condom got lost in my hair
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
