Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
