Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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