Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
