I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
