Yo dont text me then not text me
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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