Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
where are my eyebrows?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
