he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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