You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize