Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
