I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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