in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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