I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Couch. On fire.
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