She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Every concussion has its silver lining
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize