Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
