I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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