I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
