You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
