I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
