I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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