He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
