Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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