he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
