I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
