I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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