Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize