my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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