how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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