You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
