dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
