So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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