So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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