I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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