I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
